ID diatribe

Having failed to be verified
electronically

as a valid bona fide person,

I have spent a large portion of today

assembling documents to prove my legitimacy

from List One, List Two and List Three.

So that would be one from List One

and two from List Three

or two from List Two

and one from List Three,

or a copy of my passport

and my driving licence

and the paper version of above,

but if I am sending photocopies 
they must be authorised and signed

by a person more valid and bona fide than me

but I can send copies of 

utility bills, (not my mobile phone)

and bank statements

or a credit card statement
or a Firearms or Shotgun certificate
(now where did I put that?)

or tax notification, 
or notice of coding or statements

or a Building Society passbook

or a local authority rent book

or recent evidence of a local authority funded benefit scheme,
(and I must choose a password
and two secret answers
and a significant place
and my mother's maiden name
and a significant date,
none of which should be committed to paper)
and then when I have posted these by Recorded Delivery
will I not have furnished some complete stranger
with the comprehensive means to be
a valid bona fide replica of me?


I just wanted to open a savings account.
But now I wish I had put it
under the mattress
where I honestly believe
it would have been safer.