Prepare to repel boarders

I'm growing weary of the default setting:

think the worst, it will probably happen,

defend yourself against it at all times.

The burglar permanently stationed near my door,

waiting for the day when I do not 

set the alarm and double lock the door.

(Your insurance will be invalidated.)

The identity thief, keen to sift through my recycling bin

for the one document that may have included 

a vital piece of personal data,

not shredded.

(Your bank account will be emptied.)

The parking attendant gleefully pouncing on my car 

with a ticket for a one minute overstay in a free parking slot.

(Rush back or that will be £60 please.)

Yesterday my mind went blank 

when asked to present my pin number at the checkout.

(Three wrong attempts and your card will be cancelled.)

And now, the hideous hoops that bloggers must jump through

in order to leave a benign comment.

I didn't switch to the new Blogger interface,

so perhaps you are not faced with an illegible string

of skew whiff reversed out letters.

Word verification used to be quite fun,

but not anymore.

Apparently the robots have learnt to read,

and so humans must play catch up.

Well I am throwing caution to the winds.

I'm taking word verification off,

and I'll moderate the little monsters myself.

Matt Daily Telegraph 27/7/2011

What am I?

This post had me thinking,

not for the first time,

about the quandary so many of us face 

when asked to put down our occupations on a form.

I have in my time been occupied (and sometimes paid)

 as a painter, illustrator, archivist,

photographer, archaeologist,

gardener, teacher, nurse, 

mother, book editor, researcher, 

writer, special needs tutor,

cleaner, cook, furniture restorer, 

driver, decorator

and blogger.

Of course I haven't always been paid,

and there's the rub.

Does the question on the form want to know

what my skills are worth in monetary terms?

Does it want to know where I rank

 in an employment hierarchy?

Does it want to assess how interesting and important I am?

Certainly, in social situations, 

it often serves as a shorthand;

a box to put you in. 

Indeed it is usually the first question 

you are asked by strangers.

(Are you more or less interesting, important,

well paid, than me?)

But for most of these forms it is utterly irrelevant.

They might just as usefully ask you for your shoe size.

 Even if I could quite legitimately write,

opera singer, obstetrician or oligarch,

baker, broadcaster or ballerina,

it would only represent a snapshot,

a tiny fleeting sample

of all the occupations,jobs and careers 

that make up many lifetime's experience.

Leaving that space blank though -

well it allows for some ambiguity,

a refusal to be boxed,

but it also feels self-effacing

and slightly stroppy.

I'm not yet of retirement age

so retd. won't wash.

I quite like the idea of being

a bon viveur,

in its literal sense.

Perhaps lifer would be less self-congratulatory

but has the criminal overtones of a mal viveur.

Pah!

Well, hungry is what I am now.

Luckily I have no forms to fill in 

or I would have to write 

sandwich maker in the box.

I leave the last word to the inestimable

Matt Pritchett.